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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It irritates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that counseling might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This approach will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.