Those Phrases from My Parent Which Saved Me when I became a Brand-New Parent

"In my view I was just trying to survive for the first year."

One-time reality TV star Ryan Libbey expected to manage the difficulties of becoming a dad.

But the reality rapidly proved to be "very different" to what he pictured.

Severe health complications during the birth caused his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Suddenly he was thrust into becoming her primary caregiver in addition to caring for their baby boy Leo.

"I took on each nighttime feed, every change… every stroll. The role of both parents," Ryan explained.

Following 11 months he became exhausted. That was when a chat with his father, on a public seat, that led him to understand he required support.

The direct phrases "You are not in a healthy space. You must get assistance. How can I assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, look for assistance and find a way back.

His experience is not uncommon, but seldom highlighted. While people is now more comfortable talking about the strain on moms and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the struggles new fathers go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance

Ryan feels his challenges are linked to a larger inability to talk amongst men, who still absorb negative ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and remains standing with each wave."

"It is not a sign of failure to ask for help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he explains.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher who studies mental health before and after childbirth, notes men often don't want to acknowledge they're struggling.

They can believe they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - especially in preference to a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental well-being is vitally important to the family.

Ryan's chat with his dad provided him with the opportunity to take a pause - spending a short trip abroad, separate from the home environment, to gain perspective.

He came to see he needed to make a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the day-to-day duties of taking care of a infant.

When he was honest with Louise, he saw he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -reassuring touch and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That insight has changed how Ryan views fatherhood.

He's now writing Leo letters each week about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he grows up.

Ryan believes these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the vocabulary of emotional life and make sense of his decisions as a father.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something artist Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen lacked consistent male guidance. Despite having an "incredible" bond with his dad, deep-held trauma resulted in his father found it hard to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, making difficult their connection.

Stephen says suppressing emotions resulted in him make "terrible actions" when in his youth to alter how he was feeling, seeking comfort in drink and drugs as escapism from the anguish.

"You find your way to behaviours that aren't helpful," he notes. "They may briefly alter how you feel, but they will ultimately make things worse."

Advice for Managing as a New Father

• Share with someone - when you are overwhelmed, tell a friend, your partner or a professional how you're feeling. Doing so may to ease the pressure and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - make time for the activities that made you feel like you before having a baby. This might be exercising, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Look after the body - a good diet, physical activity and when you can, sleep, all contribute in how your emotional health is doing.
• Spend time with other first-time fathers - sharing their journeys, the difficult parts, and also the good ones, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Remember that seeking help does not mean you've failed - prioritising your own well-being is the best way you can look after your family.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen naturally struggled to accept the passing, having had no contact with him for many years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's resolved not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead provide the stability and emotional support he did not receive.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they practise "releasing the emotion" together - processing the feelings safely.

The two men Ryan and Stephen explain they have become more balanced, healthier men because they faced their struggles, changed how they express themselves, and figured out how to regulate themselves for their children.

"I'm better… processing things and handling things," states Stephen.

"I put that down in a note to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I wrote, sometimes I believe my purpose is to teach and advise you what to do, but actually, it's a exchange. I am discovering an equal amount as you are in this journey."